We, as a nation, suck at communicating. One of the most important skills in communication is listening. As a man, who has been in a relationship with an amazing woman for over 11 years, I understand how important it is to listen! However, this skill hasn’t been utilized by the nation’s leadership, nor its citizens in several years.
We all have our ideas about how this nation should be operated and led. I’m sure you would agree that about 99% of us want what’s best for our country. So, what makes us so divided? Aren’t we supposed to have different ideas and views to think through, collaborate, and find solutions? This is what is supposed to make us great. If we all believed the same thing and had no one opposing us, we would never grow. We see this in business. I see this in the Black Chamber. Once I found board members who not only bought in to the vision, but made it their own, the organization grew more than I ever expected and we continue to grow. When we meet, we share ideas. We ‘listen’ to each other. When we disagree, we talk it through until we find a solution and way forward. The culture we have is welcoming and united, and we are strong because of it. Our last chamber meeting with board members and committee members had nearly 30 people of all diverse backgrounds attend focused on one goal; black economic empowerment in Utah.
In America, however, it’s the complete opposite. We don’t want to hear or listen to the other side. We are not willing to concede to the notion that the opposing side may have some thoughts that make sense. Instead, we push our agenda to them and they push back. So, we arm ourselves with a response to defend our positioning build this wall or barrier in front of us. Thus, our perspectives and ideas just hit the walls of those opposed, and we’re just not getting through to each other. We become more frustrated, more angry, and annoyed, making that wall thicker and taller every single day.
As I have studied and taught leadership for several years, one principal that has always stuck with me and I have continued to apply ever since is to listen to understand, instead of listening to respond. As someone who grew up shy and introverted, listening makes communication for me easier, because I don’t have to talk as much! The more I listen, the more I begin to learn and understand the person who I am listening to. Even when there’s a response formed in my head, I still continue to listen. I allow them to finish their thought. This is the most important part of listening. Allowing them to finish. Because when they have nothing more to say, and if they want the dialogue to continue, they will have to listen to you. It seems so simple, yet it’s so mentally challenging for all of us.
We are in a society of distractions that has limited our attention span to that of a goldfish. We can’t watch TV, eat, or even be in conversation without looking at our handheld device or have the urge to. We are consumed with so much in the world, that our mind is moving through so many thoughts, that to just simply listen and pay attention to what someone else is saying requires more energy than ever before.
I experienced this when I began coaching. As a coach, your main job is to listen and help your client find solutions. After every two-hour coaching session, I have to schedule time for me to rest and re-energize. It requires a lot to really focus on a person for two hours!
So here we are, lacking or not willing to use the energy to listen to understand, so we are just quick to respond instead; not willing to give them the benefit of the doubt that they may have a valid argument. But, nothing is being resolved here as we are just talking to the defensive barriers that have been put up in front of us because we simply just don’t want to understand, yet we want them to understand our view? How do we expect this thought process to work?
If we take the time and listen with intention to each other, we’ll begin to see the walls come down. Imagine a drawbridge that connects separate land when it is down. When we choose not to understand one another that drawbridge is up, not allowing us to connect to each other. We’re not connecting. Connecting is the goal of communication. Connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in such a way that it increases our influence with them. We will have no influence with people if we are not connecting. And in order to connect, we have to listen to understand until that drawbridge comes down. When the bridge is down, we now have common ground. Common ground is where everyone’s needs and values intersect. This is where we come together, find solutions and grow. If we don’t establish common ground, we will never grow as a community, as a nation.
Everyone communicates, but very few are connecting. Connecting increases influence. Leadership is influence. Nothing more. Nothing Less. Everything rises and falls on leadership. Leadership has decreased our influence with the world. Leadership has decreased its influence with its citizens. Because leadership is not connecting. The drawbridge is up, dividing the great people of this nation. We won’t connect, we won’t establish common ground, we won’t find solutions, and we won’t grow, until leadership decides to listen to understand. It’s a shame our nation’s leadership has dug us into a hole that will take several election terms to dig out of.
I’m having a hard time today celebrating July 4th weekend in 2020. It’s supposed to be Independence Day. We are not independent this year. We have become trapped by our inability to connect.
People feel imprisoned by their fear, confusion, anger, and pain over a pandemic that has trapped people in their home because it was poorly managed and communicated by leadership.
This is supposed to be the land of the free and home of the brave. Yet, people have become cowards sharing their thoughts, frustrations, and demands on social media instead of communicating and connecting with the leadership who have the ability to bring change. It seems more satisfying for them to shame and put down others through a platform that has caused anxiety, peer pressure, and stress since it was released, when it was supposed to be simply another channel for people to communicate.
How can people feel free, when still, four hundred years later, feel denied of their liberties and equal treatment of an oppressive system? A system that labeled slaves ⅗ of a person, and since African-Americans have become free, are still fighting for that ⅖ to be treated whole? How can someone feel free when they are denied their rights of the legal process that was created for everyone? Instead, they meet their judge and executioner in the space where the crime allegedly took place, yet displayed no threat to the officer nor public?
When the docs were signed on July 4, 1776, America was given its independence, but many people, people who played a critical role in this country, weren’t given their independence. Even when given their independence on June 19, 1865, they were still imprisoned by lack of resources and education. They were still imprisoned by inequality, and still fighting for the same freedom, the same independence given to America in 1776, still 155 years after supposedly receiving theirs.
People come from all over the world escaping their circumstances and seeking the America Dream, only to discover they are not fully welcomed here, even though that’s what the Statue of Liberty stands for.
We have a lot of work to do for America’s citizens to fully feel the Independence given in 1776. The Liberty Song, written just a few years before July 4, 1776, says “United we stand, divided we fall.” We are falling fast. This year, I hope leadership recognizes it takes more than a healthy economy for a successful nation. It takes unity, acceptance, inclusion and justice for all. We need a new vision. It’s not my vision. It’s not your vision. A new vision. A vision we call ours. A vision that is created when we connect and shared on common ground. That won’t happen, until we listen.